acceptance

So according to my "research", admittedly less than 2 minutes of looking at google entries, their are apparently five stages to grief. These stages are:
1) Denial and isolation
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

For those who may have read my previous posts my grief is over one of my jobs, but I think, mostly in the space of a single evening I have reached the end of the five stages. Either that or this is actually all part of the denial of stage one, in which case I seemingly have a long way to go, but I will let you be the judge of that.

In stage one I did isolate myself from most people and tried to tell myself that there was no problem at all, that it wasn't so bad. Then I found out that I may have to work more during the school holidays for various reasons. Anger came pretty quickly after that.

So anger it was then. I think I reached a peak when last night I tried to get my D&D group, for which I am currently the DM (dungeon master, a role that combines the "bad guys" who the players have to fight, with a sort of g-d like figure who controls the world) to storm a dungeon named after my workplace and populated with various monsters that bore names suspiciously close to the real world names of my co-workers. One of the players however rebelled at this pointing out that my co-workers had done nothing to deserve being savagely slaughtered by a group of brave heroes and I was in fact just angry at myself for my inability to leave this job. OK, I can live with that, out went storming the workplace, instead ripping off a number of sci-fi and fantasy events I am sure, although none specific come to mind, the heroes journeyed into my subconscious mind to rescue me form a magically induced coma by defeating my inner daemons. Again defeating parts of my own psyche may possibly have revealed a bit of self loathing and some masochistic tendencies, but hey it was a good idea and the players seemed to enjoy it better than the idea beating up my colleagues. Of course it did mean they were beating me up instead, which may just be a sign that I moan about this job too much, again comments on this are welcome.

Maybe this helped me in the real world as I quickly moved on to stage two, bargaining. I began by trying to convince myself to study again, or to become a qualified teacher, or open my own shop, any thing which I believed would give me an excuse to leave my current job as soon as possible. Unfortunately after a conversation about it I became rather depressed at the thought of one again having to do coursework essays as well as study things such as using ICT in lesson plans. (I didn't even know what ICT was and had to ask my D&D players to explain)

So with the bargaining having failed I moved on to depression and thoughts of suicide. I was wandering, and still am if any one wants to answer as a comment, that if reincarnation does occur will only part of my soul return to earth, if so which part, will it be me and therefore will I have to repeat this whole exercise again with the knowledge that I did not do it right the first time. Or will it be an entirely new person, while my soul does its time in hell before sitting down to a nice golden table to spend eternity studying the mysteries of the Torah? Also on this note the actual act would have to be carried out using a gun, pulling the trigger does not seem so bad, and its the most reliable way to kill oneself. But Im not sure I want to die, once school term starts again its only 2 days a week, surely I can handel that, right? (seriously I want to know)

So we come inevitably to acceptance, stage five. I dont know what I want to do in life, but somehow it does seem to work out. I even have some proof of this in the fact that my other job grew form being once a week to three days a week and involved teaching more and more. So I will do this job, I dont enjoy it, but its not the end of the world, and I wont let it defeat me, I will do it till the end of the academic year when I will move on hopefully to something I find more suted to my personality. I intend this therefor to be the last post in which I moan about this job. I will go to work, with if not a positive mindset, certainly a less negative one, and I will get through it and survive.

Even as I write this though I still feel the weight of depression on my shoulders and I am forced to consider that my new resolution may just be stage one, denial, showing itself. But it might not be, that weight I feel may be resignation and apathy, things I am able to live with and accept, only time will tell I think. That is another thing I have going for me, time is an ally, eventually all things pass, even though one cannot see the end it is always there, getting closer and closer. Only g-d is eternal, and he is good, unlike my job.

Worse than rain

I live in Britain, England to be more precise, any more information than that may be too specific and lead to the untimely Revelation of my true self, but this is getting off point. I live in England, one of my favorite things about England is the cold and the rain, I have a cousin from America who once joked that the only weather one could be sure of in England was 364 days of rain and one only slightly overcast. So why, please someone tell me why, it is snowing now? Why are many roads so frozen that it is impossible to break, and therefore lead to unfortunate incidents like crashing into another car? OK so crashing is a slight exaggeration, it was more like a slide, and thank g-d no one was hurt, and hopefully the other car was undamaged, it appeared to have emerged from the scrape far better off than my own car in fact. (something I am completely ok with) But the fact is that the whole evening was rather spoilt by this additional stress and I am still thinking about it, what if the other car is more damaged than I originally thought?

Yes this is a rant, I am trying to let off steam and try to exorcise these latest daemons I have picked up. (Its not working by the way, I still feel bad, and guilty, although the family whose car I hit were very kind and understanding). Why though cannot, with the huge range of ways to receive relatively accurate predictions about the weather, local councils be ready and grit the roads, is it really so hard?

Obviously it is!

on top of this incident in the evening, in the afternoon I was given a piece of advice I have heard from many people, this time it was from a qualified mental health professional, and it was to quit my job, (the one to which I referred to in my earlier post about work). The problem is, despite knowing I should do this, I cannot bring myself to do it because of an overriding fear of disappointing my father. Yes it turns out I would rather be miserable than do that. So not a fantastic day for me.

On the up side I did see Avatar, and it was rather good, very nice visuals, good story and awesome flying lizards, and of course humans get beaten, so enjoyable all round. The film actually gets going rather quickly as well, although it does later slow down, and is rather long, especially if watched as a late night showing.

any way its almost 5 am now so I really should try to get some sleep, maybe dreams will come and wash away these feeling of guilt and misery that have covered my soul since the "incident" this evening. (or more properly yesterday evening)

Why I love WOW

Recently I wrote about how much I hated world of warcraft and how if I were stronger I would quit. Well tonight, or as I should say as its now morning, last night, I was reminded why I play this game. I killed a boss called anub'arak in hard mode, a boss which we have been wiping on for a long time now, by the end of it as I watched his health go down I became quite excited, my heart beat faster and my hands began to shake, an adrenaline rush in other words. In the golden days of my wow playing life (in the burning crusade expansion, and while I was at university) this feeling was a regular occurrence every time I killed a new boss, with the greatest experience for me being on killing Illidan, alas I never made it to Kil'Jaden. When the new expansion came out I only very rarely experienced this rush, in fact only once before tonight. I had almost forgotten how good it made me feel, awake, alert and alive, (yes I do realise exactly how sad and rather pathetic this makes me seem, but to each his own) and happy. Happiness is rare for me but now I do feel happy, the woes of my life are forgotten, at least until the rush wares off. I had thought that wow would not let me feel this sensation anymore, that it was stale and I was searching in vain for experiences that were wholly confined to the past, but tonight proved me wrong and has shown me why I play this game and suffer through all its nightmarish attributes. I have also posted about what I called a poison chalice, a social environment where the normal social contract is only loosely held to thanks to the ease of moving on, however tonight I actually feel rather well disposed to my guild mates, without them I would not have killed this boss, and with them I can share in the enjoyment , and the relief of having Finally killed it. While a burden shared is a burden halved, a joy shared is a joy doubled

So tonight has been good on several levels, first I found out I still enjoy wow as much as ever, second, I killed a very hard boss, and third even though I write this several hours later I still feel, I believe the term is buzzed. Now I am still able to acknowledge just how bad wow is for me, and I know this will only draw me in deeper into the pit of an actual addiction. (for me this point is reached when I begin to make up imaginary friends to get out of seeing real friends because I want to play wow, a place I have been before and only with much effort left). But still at the moment I cannot see this as a bad thing I simply enjoyed my self far too much. Blizzard you have done your job exceedingly well.

Work: Something that happens to other people

As I sit here to write this I realise that very soon I have to leave for work, there is a telling statement, I hate my job, but work is a must in a way that school is not. When you are at school or university the temptation to "ditch" is always there, its fun, evincing no feelings of guilt or really for me any drawback. When I was at said institutions myself I was basically able to take off whenever I wanted thanks to an awesome mother who would give me notes for school whenever I wanted, and by the very nature of university life whereby attendance is not mandatory, just strongly encouraged. Nor for me did these frequent days off have any real negative impact on my learning experience, when the subjects you are studying are the same as you read for pleasure attendance at classes becomes less important. But work is different, the temptation to stay home is still there but also present is the knowledge that you simply have to go in. The need for a job in this respect is crippling, and for me, being used to constant mental stimulation and study many parts of my job do not allow for this stimulation. This leads to a sole draining effect that I am afraid has some quite serious consequences for me, constant boredom being the most benign symptom.

So what is the effect of this? I have come the conclusion that work is entirely unacceptable to myself and I must seek an escape. Leeching off the state is simply not an option, lottery winning is one but since I refuse to play for now we shall just label that as "plan B". Nor is inheritance an option, I would rather work than see my parents die. SO that leaves becoming a trophy husband, again something I may just have an ounce too much self respect for (well maybe if she was really really rich, and didn't mind never seeing me), getting a better job, preferably one in which I am self employed, or my prefered option going back to study.

University was an ok time, I found it basically easy but it also kept me constantly stimulated, no boredom there. It also satisfied my constant hunger for knowledge, something which I search for with the fervor of an addict. If I could I think I would spend my life in university, studying many different topics. Ah sadly life is not perfect and does not give us what we want so I think spending all my life studying is not an option at the moment at least. One thing I am sure of though is that work is something for other people, not for me, I cannot seem to stand it, and am sure that until it breaks my mind and drives me into the blessed arms of insanity (an event getting closer each day) I will not be able to stand it. But as I said, I will continue to do it, it is insidious like that, we simply need to go to work, and now so do I really, so good day to you all. I hope you have a better day ahead of you than I do, mine will be boring and filled with mental anguish, at least until I get home and can stay up as late as possible to lengthen the time before I have to go back into the jaws of hell.

A tribute to the one who inspired me to blog

Hello everyone, as you may have suspected my name is not Autarii, (I just wanted to clear that up) I am just someone who values privacy and secrecy to a somewhat ridiculous extent, I am not even on face book or twitter. The obvious question is therefore why am i going to put on the Internet the one thing that, until life catches up to science fiction, we can all keep as private as we like, our thoughts out there on the net for anyone to see? The answer is, as I first learned from an old character in Diablo II there is a great dichotomy in me. on the one hand I yearn for the shadows of comfortable anonymity and on the other I wish to step into the light and share my ideas with the world, to connect with those out there who may think like me, agree with me, be outraged by me, be amused by me, or have any interest in my thoughts at all. Of course I couldn't do this under my own name and picture, that would horrify my misanthropic half, who merely wishes to stay in the shadows quietly heaping scorn and derision on the world, so this is a happy compromise.

So before I get going on the tribute, as its my first post I should say who I am, well for now lets call me Autarii, why? Its the name if my main in World of Warcraft, that already says something about me, yes, I am a geek, nerd, whatever word you feel like using. I actually play wow far too much and it takes time away form my other loves, warhammer (both fantasy and 40k as well as a host of the specialist games), D&D (I'm creating my own campaign world called Thallatta) reading (mostly history/economics/fantasy/sci-fi) and occasionally watching TV (my favorite shows are House and Stargate Universe at the moment) but what actually led me here is wow.

In my stonger moments I advise people to run screaming away form wow, it destroys lives, it did mine as well as other people I know, it lures you in with false promises of a social environment, only to give you instead a posion cup, when you dont actually know the people you are talking to, when they live half way across the world and you will never meet them (and are safe in the knowledge that even if you do step outside your house long enough to meet them you wont recognize them) its remarkably easy to be cruel to them, and they to you. Having said that, in my weaker moments, which are most of the time, I urge people to play wow. It provides cheap entertainment and fills up boredom, and it lets you talk to people all over the world, in an, on the whole, friendly environment as well as providing all the fun of a fantasy world that you can truely get lost in, in every sense of the word.

I met the person to whom this post is dedicated first the first time at a games workshop, when I was merely a child. I’m older now, and I would like to say that we are good friends. He first introduced me to wow, although I took it far too far for his liking, I have since taken a step back and actually started talking to real people again, himself included. He recently showed me his blog and I was rather taken by the idea so he directly inspired this one. If I am granted permission to do so I will include in my next post a link to his blog as it is very interesting. One of his first posts was on an online comedy show called the guild by actress Felicia Day, to which once again I owe thanks for introducing me (the show not the actress). In honour of that first post, my first post will end with a little commentary on the guild.

At one point, when I was in my first wow raiding guild, I cried to a friend that I should like to move to another guild on our server (I can’t remember to which one I intended moving) as I was sick and tired of all the drama going on in our current guild. He laughed, saying “do you really think it’s better in any other guild?” I was shocked by this and although I did not leave my guild at that time, I never really believed that any other group of people could be as ridiculous as we were. That was in the beginning of my wow days, I know better now. Having been in many guilds now, including being the GM of one I founded I can say with complete confidence that every guild is full of drama, the longer the guild lasts the more will accumulate. So I was highly amused to see it shown so well on the guild web series. I found the show to be a very accurate portrayal of life in a wow guild, people stealing from the guild bank, the pain at servers being down, and the existence of rival guilds, I see all of it in my own life and on the guild. In season 3 when they encounter another guild of incredibly skilled players the other guild is shown as a collection of rogues and unpleasant individuals who don’t even seem to like each other. Again this is my experience of the best guilds on the servers I have played wow on. This accuracy in the guild allows me to laugh at my own life, safe and comfortable in the knowledge that it’s not just me, others share in my pain as well. So that is why I love the guild, on its own it is a hilarious comedy about a group of friends playing an mmo, in context of my own gaming habit (near but not quit addiction) it is even better.

Well my fist post has gone on far longer than I originally intended so it’s time to end it here, I hope it caught some ones interest.